I love running into people that I haven't seen in a while and they ask "how is it being a Mom?" or "isn't it great?" I always frantically try to break out a smile, or gaze into my boys' eyes with a loving stare,but secretly I'm flaring my nostrils, widening my eyes, and clenching my fists. Truth be known, it's hard work. The hardest job anyone could ever take on. I did it unknowingly. I wish someone had told me just how hard it is, or that I actually listened when they did. Again, sorry Mom. There are wonderful moments, honestly, but most of the time it's stressful, frustrating, and difficult. I guess maybe that means I'm not a "natural". Well, I think "naturals" are either closet drinkers, or have nannies to go home to. No one can do it without some of the same feelings I have.
Now, if you've read my blog before, or you know me already, then you know that I have two boys ages 2 and 4. It's busy. Always. It wasn't always this hard, and some days it does seem to feel like it's getting easier.
I remember when Sawyer was first born. As a new mom, I remember thinking "okay Caitlin, you can do this, all you have to do is keep the little creature (yes, I said creature- let's be honest, they are weird looking when they are that little) alive. Feed it, make sure it goes to the bathroom, and keep it breathing". Just like a puppy right? I never knew that I wouldn't sleep for three months staring at Sawyer in the wee hours of the night as he lay there sound asleep, just to make sure he's breathing. I never knew that I would put my hand out to feel his belly rise, or spend a ridiculous amount of money on a monitor that would sound off a siren waking everyone up if he stopped moving. That thing worked. Not, but it was the cause of a few heart attacks and stubbed toes at 2 AM. That stress is enough to send anyone into a depression, and it did, pretty severely, actually. Don't worry, I got through it. I thought it would be all cute onesies and smiles. I was wrong.
Almost two years later, Shamus came along. He was supposed to be a girl. Dr. Gallagher's exact words "no outdoor plumbing". I felt relieved, and when the delivering doctor propped him into my arms and no one said a thing I remember saying, "oh shit". Then came "well, what's his name". I looked at Josh, but didn't have enough energy left to pick his jaw up off of the floor, so I called out "Shamus". I don't even know where that came from, it wasn't on the list...then again the list was written in pink. Now, I don't want you to think I was disappointed, cause I'm not. He is my buddy, and anyone that knows him, can attest to the fact that he is probably the coolest, most fun, two year old around. Back to my point. I gave myself the same "keep it alive" speech the first two days, then I never put my hand out, never used a monitor, just let him be. It was easier. He's fine.
Looking back, I'm glad I made it through those days. I don't want to go back. We all sleep (mostly) now. I like this stage better. I've traded in my nursing bras, for referee costumes....boys. You trade in one battle for another- for example, right now I'm stressed about the pool at my in-laws. Mom's you know what I mean. The struggles continue daily, yet I get through with a smile on my face. Sometimes I cry at night, tears of laughter over something they said or did, tears of frustration-dwelling on how to solve the problems (Sawyer peed his pants...again..ugh), or tears of just plain old exhaustion.
My sweet little guys....
I love my kids to death. They are the reason I am here, I'm sure. But parenting-it's just not easy, if it were, everyone would do it.
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